Why “It (Doesn’t) Get Better”

Recently, the ‘It Gets Better’ Campaign had been gaining steam throughout the media as many gay and lesbian celebrities provided YouTube videos for gay and lesbian teens experiencing bullying in schools. The primary purpose of the campaign is to tell those teens that it gets better as a tool to prevent suicide. Recent studies have found that lesbian teens are 7 times more likely to attempt suicide when compared to heterosexual teens. Gay teens are 3 to 4 times more likely to attempt suicide. So, why do I say ‘It ‘Doesn’t’ Get Better’. As a psychotherapist, professor, and professional school counselor in middle and high schools, I tend to have an alternate view to the campaigns of the moment. Developmentally, teens are very present oriented, poor decision makers, self-absorbed, and highly susceptible to the opinions and scrutiny of their peers. I have often heard adults (including teachers, school counselors, administrators, parents) telling these teens to just ‘hold on, it gets better’. However, these comments are often not accompanied by individual or group counseling, increased parental involvement, increased involvement in school and/or school activities and an all-around targeted approach to improve the teen’s social support. If we sit back, as adults, and think about what it was like for us when we were teens, how effective would it have been to hear a ‘grown-up’ tell us that it will ‘get better’? Especially when we feel like we are dying a little each day that we have to walk the halls of a school that could very likely be the bane of our existence? I remember being completely enveloped by my own pain as kids made fun of me for being the ‘new kid’. I want to clarify that I applaud celebrities for getting involved, however I am SCREAMING through the blogosphere that we ALL must do more to help our children make it through these hard times. Take your child’s complaints seriously. If you have made a formal complaint to the administration, made the teachers, school counselors, and even the school district aware of what is going on in school with your child, do not force your child to stay in a school that they perceive to be hell on earth. There are many different alternative methods of education. As a therapist, I feel strongly that victims of bullying should receive counseling to learn how to deal with these difficult situations. However, I do not believe that we should force our children to stay in an environment in which they are not receiving adequate support. We must move beyond just ‘telling’ our children that it will get better. We need to MAKE it happen.

Keep telling yourself you can’t, and you won’t

So you have a lot of work to do. You are extremely busy. Whether it be children that are keeping your days occupied, tons of work, tons of schoolwork, tons of housework, work, work, work, work!! So you know you need to take a break, but you won’t, you can’t so you  won’t. Ask yourself this line of questions: If your child asked you for something and it was reasonable, would you say no? If your boss asked you do to something, would you say no? If your professor, husband, wife, significant other asked you do to do something would you say no? However you say no to yourself over and over again. You can do a lot. You probably get quite a bit accomplished for others each day. You have gotten really good at neglecting yourself, leaving yourself for last. When someone says, ‘You should take a break.’ You say, ‘I can’t.’ So you won’t. How can you start to say yes to yourself? By saying yes. It is that simple. Say yes. Start with 10 minutes a day for yourself. Slowly increase it to an hour a day. You don’t have to exercise, you can sit and listen to music, watch your favorite show, talk to a friend. The only caveat is that you cannot simultaneously do something for someone else. Sometimes we make things harder than they are. The only way you can get better at saying yes to yourself is by doing it. Start right now, today. Say yes to yourself.